I saw the original Box story years ago, as an old Twilight Zone episode. And I must say, I was rather intrigued by the prospect of seeing it made into a full-length film. Sensing that intrigue, critics and audiences alike began describing the movie as awful. This of course only heightened my desire to see it, so I hit up the local Redbox $1 movie kiosk to rent it. Two hours later, I was back at Redbox, pleading for it to take the movie back and to erase any electronic record of my ever having rented it. I mean, what if Homeland Security finds out? They already know I watched Tron, dammit!
I have to say, “awful” is an understatement. With as many wrong turns as The Box takes, what it really needs is a GPS. For starters, it’s set in 1976 (I was six years old that year, a very bad time in my life. If only I hadn’t fallen down that rabbit hole). Not to mention that in all it’s two HOURS, it doesn’t tell a story even half as compelling as Rod Sirling told in 30 minutes. Cameron Diaz speaks with a southern accent. And the worst crime of it all is that there’s absolutely NO nudity! The list goes on and on.
Normally, I don’t like to provide spoilers, but for this movie I’d feel guilty not doing so. If I see another movie where aliens are behind everything, I may just have some sort of psychological breakdown. It’s like halfway through making a movie the writers say, “What the hell, aliens are an easy solution, why rack our brains?” Only with The Box it’s clear from the very beginning that E.T. is going to be behind it all. Which is really disappointing.
The original Box was a simple story. A box with a button is delivered to a couple’s house by a strange man. He offers them an even stranger deal: push the button and two things will happen. 1) Someone they don’t know will die. 2) All movies in the future will rely on aliens for an ending. Also, they will receive a hefty sum of money. And afterwards, the button will be reset and the strange man will move on. That simple.
Naturally this causes a dilemma for the two. Do they really wanna’ doom future moviegoers? Possibly even manic ones? And do they really wanna’ kill somebody for money, even if they don’t know them? If I remember correctly, it ends with the wife snatching the box from the dumpster and pushing the button, much to the dismay of her husband. As promised, the money is delivered. Asked what happens from there, the stranger replies, “I reset the button, and make the same offer to someone else. And don’t worry, it’ll be somebody you don’t know.” AHA! There’s always a price to pay for being a greedy bitch. I always thought that was a pretty cool idea.
The new version suffers from some serious “WTF?” About halfway through the movie, if that, the button is pushed and everything is revealed! So what are you going to do with the REST of the movie? You introduce the alien factor of course! We discover that the mysterious man, played by none other than Dr. Giggles himself, was struck by lightning and that this is how the alien being made its way into his body, because it, like me, prefers to travel by lightning. I find travel by thunder to be rather loud and tedious.
Dr. Giggles, it turns out, controls hordes of people who are easily identified by their bleeding noses and their inability to not walk in matching strides. There are water portals, that if you choose the wrong one, you are lost for eternity. Choose the right one and you are dropped onto Cameron Diaz in her bed. Now there’s a risk I’m willing to take.
Let’s go ahead and kill the rest of this review before my nose starts bleeding, plus the meter’s running on my lightning streak and I need to go. The whole box-giving by this unholy Santa is a test being given to us Earthlings by aliens. If more humans push the button rather than decline such a wonderful offer, our species will eventually be wiped out. In all likelyhood, death will come by means of a giant button.
So I leave you with this offer my friends. Go to your nearest Redbox, and select The Box. If you push RENT, two things will happen. 1) Someone you know (you) will regret it. 2) you will be out one dollar. Plus tax.
Make the right decision.